Four Objects
by idioticonion
Summary: A parody/crack!fic about four important objects shown in E4.17 The Front Porch


**Four objects **

**Photograph**

Somewhere between scotch number three and scotch number eight, Barney stopped feeling intimidated by Doug.

"You seeeee," he said, gesturing wildly at the bartender. "I am thish close to giving up!" He tried to show Doug how close but his fingers seemed to stop working. "On her… I'm never going to get her! Robin said friends shouldn't have sex with each other. Which is stupid…"

With a sigh, Doug slid a large piece of card across the bar. Barney flipped it over and tried to focus. It was a photograph. He gave Doug a "Huh?" face.

"That's from the future." Doug grinned, picking up a glass and starting to clean it. "You come in here every night, drink till you fall over... I hate to see it man. Thought you deserved some hope."

"The future?" Barney was hammered, but he was pretty sure he wasn't _that_ hammered.

"Yep. The future. I know a guy. In a suit. Blue box. Time travel. Helped him out once or twice. Dude owes me big time." He gave Barney a wink.

Barney gave him a complicated Mexican-wave of a shrug, his shoulders feeling numb and boneless.

"Look at the photo, dude." Doug insisted.

Barney stared at the photo until his eyes began to water. It was... an ordinary photo. Of him. And Ted, Marshall and Lily, and Robin. In MacLaren's. He had a bunch of photos just like it. Robin was wearing that yellow top. It wasn't even in 3D or a hologram or the sort of things futuristic photos are supposed to be made of.

"From the future?" He asked Doug again.

"Look closer, dude."

Barney obediently tried to refocus on the picture (it took him a while) feeling a little stupid that he couldn't see it. Then he saw it.

"Wow." He said. "How far in the future?"

"Not long now."

Barney picked up the photo, reverently, holding it between the tips of his fingers. "Wow."

Suddenly someone came up behind him, said "Morning!" and poked him in the back. Barney hunched over defensively, dropping the photo on the bar.

"Hey, nice photo!" Robin said. "I've been looking for a good one of us all. Mind if I take this and get a copy?"

Barney stared at her, open-mouthed.

"Thanks," she said, smiling brightly and whipping the photograph off the counter.

When she was gone, Barney turned back to Doug.

"Feel better, buddy?" Doug asked him. "You still thinking of giving up?"

Barney shook his head disbelievingly, and then he began to smile. "I think I can wait."

**Earring**

When Barney was changing into his Suit-jammas, he noticed the earring on the dresser and the toy robot standing over it, as if on guard. He knew it was Robin's of course and he wondered what it was doing there. Seemed like a weird place to leave a single diamond earring. Perhaps Robin had lent them to Lily? Perhaps she'd lost one.

Nooo, perhaps they were _sharing_ earrings? Perhaps they wore one each, and nothing else. Nothing else… and perhaps they fooled around in bed together. On the very bed behind him, in fact!

He turned around, staring at the bed, trying to discern the slight bump and dip that would have been made by two smoking hot (naked) female bodies.

Perhaps they rubbed each other's breasts?

No… _sucked_ each other's-

He stopped himself right there, looking down at his groin. That was the trouble with silk. You really couldn't hide anything beneath it. It _clung_...

He took a deep breath, tried thinking about polyester slacks and a few moments later had calmed down enough to join the others.

Just before leaving the bedroom, he almost took the earring. But the robot seemed to stare him down.

"Okay, you keep it, champ…" He muttered something about lame robots falling in love with earrings, striding past it, confidently reminding himself that he was (still) wearing a suit. And speaking of which, he adjusted his cuffs, waited until Ted had finished his (no doubt) stupid break-up story and put on his game face.

"What a story…!"

**Nightshirt**

A week later Barney swung by Marshall's office and returned the nightshirt, freshly laundered and smelling of… well… Barney.

"Hey, what's up, dude? I thought this was, like, number five on your list of nightwear now?"

"Bless you, Marshall! You've been reading my blog."

Marshall grinned.

"But seriously, hot chicks will not have sex with me if I wear this."

Marshall rolled his eyes. "Come on. The nightshirt isn't all about sex! It's about comfort!"

Barney shifted awkwardly on the edge of Marshall's desk. "Yeah, well… About that. I think I've been getting a bit too… comfortable. I've been having these… weird dreams!"

Marshall laughed. "You've been having the dreams too! Awesome!" He held out his hand for a fist bump but, incredibly, Barney didn't tap it.

"You're okay with that?" Barney's eyes widened.

"Yeah, sure. I mean… I guess it's a bit strange for a grown man to dream about, but, you know… It's something out of the id, man! There's some deep shit going on it our primal core."

Barney swallowed. "I hear ya…"

"And I've been kind-of doing it since I was a little kid."

Barney choked. "Ya- Wa- Huh?"

"Flying! I've been dreaming about flying since I was a little kid. It must be a Peter Pan thing." Marshall suddenly noticed Barney's rictus grin. "Why what did you dream about?"

"Flying! Flying! Definitely flying! And not anything else. Definitely." Barney stood up and slowly began to back out of the door.

"Barney?"

"See you later!" He was out of the door so fast that there was practically a sonic boom.

"Well that was weird." Marshall said, looking down at the nightshirt. Slowly, he brought it up to his face and took one long, deep breath. Then he smiled.

He certainly wasn't going to tell Barney about his _other_ nightshirt dream.

**Deck of cards **

"Congrats, Lil! You've taken that trick!" Barney beamed at her.

"Honey, I'm not turning tricks, for you or anybody!"

Barney sighed. "That means you won. The hand."

"What are trumps again?"

"Hearts. Remember? I wrote it down for you?"

Lily shook her head in confusion.

"Look, perhaps it's because we don't have another pair to play with. You are supposed to have four people."

Lily looked forlornly at the cards in her hand. "I could ask Ted and Robin to come over?"

Barney shifted uncomfortably before settling back into the sofa. "_Ted-and-Robin_?"

Lily saw the flash of anger in his eyes. "Yeah… you know, Robin told me the funniest thing."

"What's that?" Barney said, trying not to sound concerned.

"She said she and Ted made a back-up marriage pact. You know, if neither of them are married by the time they're forty, they have to marry each other."

"What?" Barney's voice was pitched so high that Lily was sure that all the dogs in the neighbourhood must have heard it.

"Ach… but I don't think we need to worry. You know Ted. If he finds the right girl, he'd be married in a year."

Barney snorted. "Worried? Who's worried? If I were Ted I'd be more worried about you chasing off any girl he wants to get with."

Lily could hear the undertone of hysteria in his voice. "I'd have thought you'd thank me," she said, matter-of-fact-ly. "Keeping your bro single and in the wingman's saddle."

Barney rolled his eyes. "Don't do me any favours," he said, grumpily.

Lily softened. "I care about you, Barns."

He scoffed at that. "Yeah, sure you do. Where am I in your little Front Porch fantasy?"

Lily smirked. "Are you kidding? You're dead!"

Barney looked up sharply, looking a little freaked out. "W-what?"

She laughed at his expression. "I'm joking."

He shook his head, rolling his eyes.

"You're in the closet having sex with Robin... probably…" She continued.

He threw a cushion at her.


End file.
